White melancholy Ruki the gazette oneshot
by MarikoYukaru
Summary: A girl named Saki used to be a childhood friend of Ruki but after he has started his activity in a band he had just decided to separate their paths. How did Saki manage to live without her only love? How will she act when she meet Ruki after so many years?


Saki's POV

We were standing against each other in a silence crushed by the sound of a clock standing behind us. The clock was inevitably counting down time of our separation.

'Why are you doing this to me?' I asked quietly

'Saki, you don't understand…' a handsome but tiny man who was standing in the middle of room answered me.

'Yeah.. that's true. I don't get it at all' I said 'During the whole time nothing has changed' I avoided looking straight into his eyes.

'Please, understand' he tried to explain 'I'm doing it for our sake. For your sake.. The fact that I've just joined a new band changed a few… vital matters in my life. However the most important thing in my life is still you' he paused and looked at a silent figure of his childhood friend, then he continued… 'I'm aware that my time will be limited by rehearsals and meetings. And I' he hesitated 'I just don't want to hurt you' he went silent again and turned to the window in embarrassment.

'I shouldn't have bother you, sorry' I said in a trembling voice trying to hide my tears and shaking voice. I quickly left the room.

I couldn't hear words of apologize which he said into the empty space after my leaving..

A few years passed. It was a long time for me 'cause the whole time I felt this awful feeling of being abandoned by my only love. My live has become different since the time we had last met. _He_ left. He just ran away from my life but only by doing that he couldn't throw himself away from my heart. 'Takanori, why? Why has you left?' I kept asking myself every day. Even if we had been so close to each other. He hasn't even called me since that time. I was waiting for his call. Firstly I thought that he had a lot of work to do and was too busy because of being in a band. But after three months I started to believe that he just forgot about me…about us. It hurt a lot. Just like a dagger pounded into my heart. I've started listening to his band's music in order to be aware of what was the cause of his leaving. Was it so important as he had said? I guess it was.. For sure it was important. I could say it only by his singing. Every day after work I sat on my bed with a mp3 in my hands and earphones in my ears. I couldn't help but listen to ballads made by the Gazette and cry. I couldn't resist myself from admitting that songs which I was listening to were wonderful. I always cried alone in my home while listening to Ruki's voice. Yeah, that's true, I've started to call him by his stage name.. although I knew him in person, I just thought that he might be different person as a vocalist of tG. That's why I got used to naming him 'Ruki'. To tell the truth it wasn't bad stage name. But light ballads written by him were so sorrowful and touching that I couldn't stop my tears from falling. He made me think of meaning of lyrics for each song. I had no clue where he got inspiration to come up with such moving lines for songs. Honestly speaking I became just a normal fan girl of him. Oh, to precise I loved the whole band but my ex-friend Takanori as a vocalist was always the most important member to me. Although I loved them I've never let myself go to see them live. Even if I had so many chances to take part in concerts. I was scared. Yeah, I was totally terrified by it. I couldn't imagine myself standing in front of a scene where Ruki was singing. I knew that it would be too much for me.

One day I decided to go there. I planned to see the Gazette's live after so many years. I couldn't stand being separated from Takanori for so long. Little by little it was killing me. I felt that my life lost its meaning, I've felt that from the beginning of the time he has left but latterly I was sure that a parting was the worst thing for me. I even started to have suicide thoughts more often. That eventually made me change my mind and decide to go and see Ruki. I wanted to confirm my feelings. I had to check if I still love him or it's just my imagination. Maybe I've just created an ideal portrait of my lover and it wasn't real at all? It was obvious that he knew about my feelings but he had never response to it or mentioned a single word about his feelings.

It was hard but I managed to get a part-time job as a technician who supports others during concerts. I knew it was the only way to be at the concert of my beloved band not as a fan but as a staff member. Thanks to this job I got a permission to be closer to band guys.. and Takanori.

On the day of tG final tour at one of the biggest stages in Tokyo I was terrified. In a few hours I was supposed to see him. I had thought that I was prepared for this meeting however when that day came I wasn't sure if I had made a right decision. I was wearing black jeans and black plain blouse. Nothing else was needed 'cause at last I was just a technician there. I also got a special firm T-shirt with logo of tG and an image of their current single. Due to my obligations I'd kept staying near the dressing rooms of tG before they arrived. It was like a dream but for an instant moment I saw him leaving a car with bandmates and going to one of changing rooms prepared for them. Obviously he didn't notice me even if I was staying pretty close, just six or seven meters from the main corridor which they walked through. But how could he notice me when he was wearing sunglasses and such a huge hat. Moreover he was talking to the leader of his band, Kai. Anyway, it didn't matter 'cause I was even quite happy that he didn't see me so fast.. It would be a problem if he recognize me and tell this to his friends or what would be even worse, to the staff in charge of this concert. They finished their make-up preparations after one and a half hour so they went to see the stage, make corrections of music settings and try out instruments. While they were doing that I was busy with work but the whole time I was spacing out and thinking about Ruki.

'Hey, Saki-san? Are you Saki-san, right? ' I heard a voice which instantly woke me up from dreaming. I looked up and saw a one of staff technicians who was looking at me bit worried but also pretty annoyed.

'Are you ok? You shouldn't space out that much, we still have a lot of work to do here!' he said and rushed me to start working again.

'Um, sorry..' I mumbled and picked up another box which I was supposed to deliver to the band members. 'Oh my God! I'm not ready yet!' I murmured to myself but too loud and the technician heard it.

'Did you just say something?' he asked with a puzzled facial expression.

'Oh, no.. no.' I answered too fast but luckily he didn't notice fear in my eyes.

'So, why are you still standing here?' he asked again 'Go there, they're waiting for these costumes.'

'Y-yeah, I'm going' still hesitating I went to the other corridor and stopped a meter before a door. I raised my hand and knocked the door as gently as I could.

'Please, come on' I heard and slightly pulled the doorknob opening the door. I saw five people in the room. Three of them were sitting on a couch while the other two were just staying and walking around. 'Were they nervous?' I thought. But immediately I shook my head and rushed to a table. I just wanted to put this damn box on it and go out before Ruki realize that I'm there.

'Are you a new here? I've never seen you before..' a manly voice, which I recognized as Kai's, asked.

'Y-yeah… I'm new' I replied in a nervy voice. 'It's yours costumes' I said quickly pointing out the box which I'd already put on the table. I let myself look at Ruki who was sitting in a corner of the couch. A cigarette in his hand almost burned out so I instantly raised my gaze to see his face but then I regretted it. I saw that he was staring at me in a shock and I could notice a disbelief in his eyes. I was stunned so we were looking at each other for a couple of seconds until Reita poked him in the ribs.

'Hey, what's wrong?' he asked surprised that Ruki stared at an ordinary girl.

'Huh?' the vocalist replied 'It's nothing.'

I felt that my vision became blurry so I said quickly that I was leaving and without waiting for a response from them I excused myself and went out. As soon as I closed the door tears started running down my cheeks. I decided to go to one of empty rooms to cool down before somebody notices me. But when I was walking towards storage room someone grabbed my wrist. I turned and saw _him_ so I tried to get rid of his hand shaking my own intensely.

'Wait' he said in his manly and strong voice.

I just pulled the door in front of my eyes and showed Ruki that I'm going there. We both went to this small and dirty room and stood against each other. It reminded me of our last meeting.. and to be honest I didn't want to experience it once again.

'Saki?' He mumbled and when I didn't show any signs of listening to him he repeated 'Saki? Is that you?'

I raised my hand and showed him my tears.

'Well yeah, it's me' I muttered and kept looking into his beautiful eyes.

'What are you doing here?' he asked even more stunned but then I could see a melancholy painted on his face.

'Isn't it obvious?' I asked him trying to maintain my firm and cold expression but it failed because of tears which gathered in corners of my eyes.

'Saki…' he whispered in a deep voice.

'Have you been doing well?' I asked ironically 'Have you been so busy that you couldn't even call me? You moved and changed your phone number making me be alone. Exactly as you said..It was over. You just ran away from me…' he looked at me without saying a single word. Then he bit his lower lip and still didn't respond so I continued. 'I have no idea if you has changed but my feelings haven't. That's why I came here today' I averted my eyes from his and said 'There's only one thing which I must confirm…' I moved closer to him but he didn't mind it probably because he was totally shocked. I gave him a kiss. My first, pure kiss eternally reserved for him. When my lips met his I felt that shivers came down over my whole body and warmth of his smooth lips made me melt totally. But even if I was like that I tried to give him passionate kiss filled with all my love, yeah, love. Now I realized that I have loved him since then and it hasn't changed. That what the reason of my coming.. A few seconds passed while I was kissing him yet Ruki didn't kiss me back. He just stood unmoved.

Ruki's POV

I was so shocked to see her entering the dressing room when we were waiting for the concert. She was like a frightened sheep and her face was half covered with her shiny dark hair but I recognized her immediately. She just whispered unclearly a couple of words and put a box on a table. Then she looked at me and was dazed when realized that I was looking at her. As soon as she managed to overcome her paralyzed legs she almost ran away from the room saying just a few words of apologies. I had no clue what she was doing here and why she was here.. so I decided to chase after her. Kai asked me where I was going to when I stood up but I made up my universal excuse and said I had to smoke outside. After I left the room I saw her almost running to one of the storage room I guess. I attempted to catch her and when I did she tried to pull out her hand from my grasp. When she saw it's ineffective she directed me to this empty room and when we were inside she closed the door.

I kept asking her but she didn't answered at all. Then she just whispered in a bit angry but mostly sorrowful voice. She said so many things. It hurt. I couldn't help it but wanted to hug her, to kiss her.. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and apologize but I couldn't. So I had to held back myself. Although she said things which weren't true. 'Have I been doing well? she asked. No.. I haven't. If you could know, Saki, how it hurt. Not being able to see you, to hold you every day. Have I been busy? Yes, that's true, my dear Saki… But it didn't matter. Although I loved you. Even if I wanted to be with you. I couldn't let myself be so happy because I knew that I would just hurt you. Wasn't it an evident that I wanted you to live happily without me? Without any problems which I could cause? It would be only a burden to you if you had been with me, right? … Has I changed? She asked. No.. I hasn't. My beloved, I have been always thinking about you. There wasn't a single night when I didn't long for you. Even if I desired you so much I couldn't have you. So I kept shedding my emotions, pain and unfulfilled love in lyrics which I have written. You were my so-called muse, but truly I wasn't happy with it at all because it just hasn't let me forget about you.' I was spacing out for a while but she suddenly said that she had to check something. Then she moved closer and kissed me. It was like a touch of an angel.. The sweetest angel in heaven. My heart started to beat faster and my body became sweaty. She drove me crazy that I barely could keep still and unchanged position. I knew that I couldn't kiss her back if I didn't want to give her hope that our relationship has any chances, so after a few seconds, when I just felt like a one moment more and I would lost control, I just pulled back. Straight away I took a deep breath to calm down my hot body and looked at Saki who was standing with confused gaze. Her tears were falling down her cheeks and she didn't even try to wipe them off. A few minutes later I said something what I was going to regret until my death.

Saki's POV again

' I don't love you.' I heard his soft beautiful voice 'I have never had that kind of feelings towards you. I'm sorry' he gently touched my face and tried to wipe my tears but I pushed his hand away.

'Oh…' a small sound came from my mouth a while before my body started shaking. I couldn't bear it. I have just kissed him. I proved my love and he rejected me with all his strength. Has it been a good decision to come here? I just found out that I still love him so how am I supposed to live alone when I have already known that he denied my feelings and simply didn't have any romantic emotions towards me? I felt that my not fully healed wounds in the heart opened again.

'Ugh… I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. Please, forget it.' I begged but my words weren't clear enough because of sobbing. I turned to the door, opened them and ran away as fast as I could.. Again.

Two days after concert

'Hey, Ruki' Uruha said loudly 'Ruki!'

'He didn't seem to care about what is happening around him' Aoi mumbled.

'He has been like that since last concert… I have no clue what happened to him but he looks ruined.' Kai added 'What's up, Uruha? Is there somebody who wants to see our vocalist?' he asked.

'Unluckily yeah. What's more, I'm sure it won't be a nice meeting'

'Why?'

'I don't know but I guess we really shouldn't interfere. I think it's Ruki's concern.' Uruha said in a worried tone.

Ruki's POV again

I wasn't listening to what my band mates were saying. I kept thinking about _her_ because I wasn't sure if I did the right thing. Telling her that despicable words.. I didn't mean to be so harsh but she couldn't have known this.

'Ruki' I finally heard 'There's someone who has an urgent matter to you. So you should meet him. He's a police officer..' Uruha said.

'What happened?!' I shouted too loud and scared all people in the room.

'He's outside' the guitarist said.

I went out and saw the policeman in his mid-forties.

'Takanori Matsumoto-san?' he officially asked.

'Yes. What's happened?' I replied and I started to have bad premonitions.

'I'm sorry to tell but yours acquaintance named Saki Nakahara is dead. ' he announced.

I shocked my head 'What?' I almost shouted 'That's not true!' I felt pain inside and couldn't stand it.

'Nakahara Saki committed suicide in her home two days ago. Her circumstances of death were unusual because she was found dead in her bed and she was holding a mp3 player which was still playing the same song. Doctors said that she overdose sleeping pills and died asleep without pain.'

My heart was broken.. I felt tears in my eyes which began to fall soon that I couldn't resist hiding my face in hands.

'Please accept my condolences' the policeman said in a sad voice and softly patted my arm. I just stood there unable to move or think.

'There's also one thing which she left.' The police officer informed me but seeing that I wasn't able to response he continued 'Due to the fact that she was leaving alone we haven't got any contacts to her family yet. The only thing which guided us here is a letter which she left. The letter is addressed to Takanori Matsumoto. I have to deliver it so please accept the letter.'

'I will take it' I muttered depressed.

I raised my head to see and take the letter from her. The first and the last one which she wrote to me.

'Thank you, Matsumoto-san. I will phone you to inform about any progress in investigation. Good bye' he said and left.

I could just open the envelope and took out a piece of paper which said:

_„Aishiteru nandemo iranai_

_Tada zutto, soba ni ite to_

_Even if I don't need ''I love you''_

_I needed you here more_

_Wasurenaide, owaru koto wa nai_

_Futari yume no naka..._

_I won't forget_

_I won't close the fact that we are both inside the dream" *_

I ended up heartbroken. It was my fault. It was my fucking fault. I wanted her to live without me but .. I've never thought it my end like this. I felt that my life will be meaningless from now on. I wiped my tears and went back to our band's room.

'I'm taking a break. Sorry, guys' I said avoiding their glances.

'Ruki, what's wrong?' they asked uncertainly.

'My _angel_ just left the earth' I replied and went out.

* Lyrics taken from the Gazette's song called Pledge

Thanks for reading and please review! I'd like to know ur opinions! :)

I decided to write it as an oneshot 'cause dividing it into two or more chapters might've just kill the atmosphere. If you read 'till end, thank you very much! Sorry for any kind of language mistakes. I know that my English is far away from perfection T_T


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